random thoughts....is it so wrong?

I hold my emotions out of my façade among these people; my college-mates. Its tiring... This smile that just upturns the corners of my mouth – a gesture of courtesy. The greeting; like a particle in the breeze, meaning nothing; naught at all except an acknowledgement of my existence... I’ve never been one for hiding my emotions... It is so tiring... But then who is there for me to show my feelings to? Burst into tears in public? Like that would achieve anything but make a spectacle out of myself... yet this... this is tiring...

Sometimes I feel like I can’t take it anymore. I feel like I’m fighting a merciless, mighty hurricane that is determined to leave destroyed the remains of this frail soul in its wake.

True, I may not be the only one feeling this way. All I’m saying is that its hard. And whoever does feel this way, I’d sympathise with... except I detest that sympathy from others, so if you will, I won’t give mine.

Anyway, going back to that previous thread of thought... Sometimes I just feel like giving up and doing nothing at all...

Sometimes I just wish there was someone who’d hold me close... tell me I can make it... someone who’d love me unconditionally, without expectations... Someone who’d tell me it’ll all be alright...and make all the grey clouds disappear...

Is it so wrong to want the warmth of such an embrace? Is it so wrong to want to be loved that way? Is it so wrong to just want a shoulder to cry on? One that would not judge my moment of weakness?

Not wrong, perhaps... Just plain impossible...

a delicate equilibrium

Look, I don’t know why. So don’t ask me. The way I hold myself – it is a delicate manner. So shut up. Ignore me. Leave me alone. Treat me like part of the furniture or the building structure – fine! I can deal with that.

What I cannot deal with? For you to acknowledge me when you feel like it – once; then again. Why not just leave me to myself? To be the loner that I am? It hurts when you seem to befriend me, then disappear at your whim. Because then I wonder what it is that you wanted. Because... oh! Because it feels like you’re using me. And that I would never allow... I’m just not sure... I’m never sure anymore...

I survive, keep myself together... I manage, thanks to the equilibrium that I build within myself. That equilibrium though? It’s delicate as can be. So don’t come to me.

I am here. The vigour around me. Damn and damnation. Yes, I stand alone. I should maybe eat something to ease this hunger I feel, seeing as its lunch break. Yet I don’t want to plunge into that crowd. I don’t want to take up a meek pose and timidly ask of someone to let me sit at their table. I’m sick of it. All I want to do is run.

So I run.

Where to?

I find myself in the library on the other side of the road from my College. Relief floods over me. Books...my dear, dear books. My comfort. My drug. I reach out and take one, flipping through the pages. Familiar territory. A sense of easy calm runs through me. My worries disappear.

Safe. At least for the moment.

I cannot see it, but I feel the creases that had taken hold of my forehead slowly smooth away, and the tension in my body ebb. My arms; that were crossed in front of me are now untangled.

The time reads 12 p.m. I need to go back. My next class would start within ten minutes. I slip the book back where it belongs and walk out.

Confidence; however slight. Strength; however brittle. Its back.

I hold myself the way I always do; head high, eyes lowered. Its easy now. My insides have stopped trembling and screaming in desperation.

I take a deep breath – as a medieval prisoner forced to jump into the dark blue depths would. The door slides open; thankfully, it is quiet. I rush to my locker, gather my things and run to my class.

The chatter, the sounds – they reappear. Already my inner equilibrium seems to be shaking. I refuse to let it. I don’t want to lock myself away and cry alone like I used to.

I walk to my usual seat, and put down my things. He speaks to me. The smile that appears on my expression is of its own accord. Its genuine; this time. Again, I find myself wondering if he wants something from me. I crush the thought. I like him. A whole, whole lot. So, doubts are hardly worth it. I smile again, and then lower my head into my arms. I just want to disappear.

I lift my head only when it seems like the class is about to start.

“Hi,” she says. Oh, she’s talking to me? I smile.

“Are you not feeling well?” Is that not the million dollar question? I smile again, then nod. I feel so weak, I might as well be sick.

“Hope you get well soon.”

I want to thank her. My voice fails me. Why bother?

I barricade myself. My expression is a mask. Nothing is wrong with me. I’m fine. Perfectly fine.

The inner equilibrium is complete again...until the next time it shatters...until the next time I need to run...

the paradox that is me...

A moment, take;
I’m in tears.
Another and the salty lake
Disappears.
This is me
The turmoil of my emotions running free.

When I inflame
Do stay away
For I could defame
With such a fire none can allay.
To my personality; this is a lead,
A paradox, indeed.

Complicated they say I am,
Difficult, I can be.
A handful untamed,
I sure could be.
A whirling paradox you cannot dam,
Like within the eye of a hurricane.

Perhaps you must
Heed all those who say
“Stay away.”

~another original...bit of an angry-feelings one, me thinks... ^^ ~