“I’d rather not,” I say. Then I smile and give a small wave. I walk to the outdoor area, only to see that all the benches there are full too. Then I walk to the girls’ and lock myself in one of the cubicles there. I want to cry. Those tears are just lurking behind this gulp that I am forcing back.
“Fussy me! I’m sorry but I’d rather not stay there...but since you’re okay with it... I didn’t want to impose... It’d just take away my appetite and make me all sucky! Uhh...sorry!”
I type it into my phone, trying to make the text as light hearted as possible. Only...all I want to do is burst into tears...sob...and just keep sobbing...
True, the stubborn streak in me refuses to do the things I loathe... Does that make me a snob? That there are people I just cannot stand to be around? Did I even care?
Maybe. I was just hungry. And tired. Suddenly, so tired. I walk back into the crowd, see an empty table, plop down onto the bench and take out my lunch. I start nibbling on the fruit bar my mum has packed in with the sandwich. I realize my appetite has fled anyway. Nibbling my way through the small bar, wishing I’d disappear, I catch sight of him. I look away. I just can’t do it. Fake niceties. What I feel, I show. If I can’t tolerate someone... my annoyance just shows. I stick the straw in my packet of juice and continue writing as though I might just disappear into the ink. The juice feels bland on my tongue. I want to throw up. I want to disappear. Desolation. And I chose it.
“Hey,” I look up to see him hovering over me. I smile, a smile that refuses to reach my eyes.
“It’s okay,” he says, presumably in reply to my text.
I contemplate responding and realize my voice has faded away.
“I’m sorry...for staying with them...” he says, sounding sincere...
I wished he’d just go away... It wasn’t his fault. It was mine. It was me. All me.
I shake my head to indicate it was nothing and smile that wretched smile again.
“What class do you have now?”
“Nothing,” even to me, my voice sounds strangled. I ardently hope he doesn’t notice.
“See you later, then!” I wave a small wave.
As soon as his form disappears from view, I dump my papers into my bag, fling it onto my shoulder, toss my half empty packet of juice into the bin and half run to my locker. For caution’s sake of the so very unpredictable weather, I extract my black umbrella and try to escape the cursed crowd. I manage. I flee out of the College.
As my stiletto boots tap on the slanting pavement, I feel that tinge on pain in my right ankle and wonder if it ever truly healed. Then I wonder why I returned for lunch time at College. Because I wanted to talk to him? Because he was the one person whom I can talk to? Shut up, I say to my inner self.
Great, now I was actually talking out loud to myself like a crazy person.
I walk to the library. My haven. Bury myself in a book until my next class. That, at least, is ignorant bliss. But induced escapes from reality do not last long.
I make my way towards College again, after half an hour or so. Reality sucked. Life sucked. More so... I was just very f***ed up.
Why do I complain of desolation when I was so hostile? So unapproachable? So particular? I guess I have no right for that.
I guess I was just selfish.
I guess I should just learn to be this outcast that I make myself.
That’s when I cry. Two lone little tears before I dam them up again. Shush, I tell myself.
This is what I chose...
College opens again tomorrow, after a month... Will it be any different? I doubt it.
